why not?

Bleh

Usually I love the fall. I love watching the leaves change color. I love going on nature walks. I love the crisp air and the smell of autumn...

But instead of being excited, I've been feeling pretty bleh. Work has been difficult. I'm just not happy with the administration and all the micromanagement. And unfortunately, the stress has seeped into my home life. My weekends are spent dreading the following workweek. My evenings are spent dreading the next work day.

It's frustrating because I have always loved my job, but now with all the changes that have occurred in it has turned the enjoyment into an ugly horrible feeling that won't go away. I sometimes feel physically sick just thinking about it. I need a change.

I just need to get out of this Bleh.

Welcome to Fall

I can't believe I haven't posted since June.
I am a terrible blogger. I am, however, an obsessed Facebook junkie.
Perhaps Facebook has made me too lazy to actually write my thoughts down: thoughts that are more than just a "status update."



Things have been well. My children are growing. I'm growing too. I think I've grown a lot since summer. We've had a lot of ups and downs, and I think when things like that happen, you tend to grow. You're always learning, you're always becoming wiser and more experienced... and sometimes you need to learn these things on your own.



So, yes, we've all grown. And summer is officially over. Welcome to a new season: one that is hopefully filled with a lot of Ups.

Mr. Five Year Old

My little boy is now a big five year old!!



Can you believe it?!?

Carrots

I turned my back for a second and....








She was pretty darn proud of herself :)

May

Is it May? Really?!
Time has really flown by. It's amazing how the days seem to lag and then suddenly it's a whole other month and you realize that what you thought was lagging was just a blur of exhaustion, and now you're starting to wake up and see the sun.



This picture was taken at my favorite museum, The Hirshhorn Museum and sculpture garden. http://hirshhorn.si.edu/

Julius says that the picture behind us reminded him of when light hits a diamond. Aren't kids amazing?

Isabella is already six months old...


and Julius will b graduating from preK on Wednesday!



It's already May... the middle of May.. closer to the end and the start of June, when Julius turns five.

Am I really thirty? Am I really a mother of two wonderful children?
Oh my God, I am a grown-up. When did this happen?

Jan. 2009

I finally uploaded photos for the month of January. It's been a whirlwind of a month... the stress of going back to work, getting used to being a mom for two instead of one child, and a multitude of family illnesses, including Julius being hospitalized for a possible appendicitis (thankfully though, it was just a really bad stomach virus).

I'll be returning to work on Tuesday. I have mixed feelings about it. I think it'll be nice to be out of the house and with my peers doing something I love... but then I remember deadlines and stupid office politics and the annoying gossip....and I look at my two great kids and my heart hurts because I'm going to have to split my time even more.... and little Isabella has no idea what's about to happen. And that breaks my heart even more.



And then I get angry. Angry at the stupid system we live in. If I was in Canada, I'd have the option of taking an entire year off (instead of just 12 weeks: 6 weeks of it unpaid). The United States is supposed to be one of the greatest countries in the world... it boasts being the best, so you would think it would treat its residents with some dignity... but no, instead our maternity leave is similar to third world countries.
From Mom's Rising (http://www.momsrising.org/maternity)

* Having a baby is a leading cause of "poverty spells" in the U.S. -- when income dips below what's needed for basic living expenses.
* In the U.S., 49% of mothers cobble together paid leave following childbirth by using sick days, vacation days, disability leave, and maternity leave.
* 51% of new mothers lack any paid leave -- so some take unpaid leave, some quit, some even lose their jobs.
* The U.S is one of only 4 countries that doesn't offer paid leave to new mothers -- the others are Papua New Guinea, Swaziland, and Lesotho.
* Paid family leave has been shown to reduce infant mortality by as much as 20% (and the U.S. ranks a low 37th of all countries in infant mortality).


It disgusts me. Hopefully Obama's changes will include fixing maternity/paternity leave.

reactions

I had told myself that this time it would be different. I wasn't a first-time mom anymore. I had experience, I would be calm. I wouldn't feel helpless and rely on others for advice...

Even when I was diagnosed with hyperemesis, I refused to let it get to me. Even when I was put on an IV for five months, I refused to be brought down. I was calm, I did my best to smile and always look on the bright side... when I went into labor, I was calm and filled with humor.

And when Isabella was born, everything was great. She was always happy. I can easily read her cues... everything was great.

And then yesterday I felt like a first time mom again.

Yesterday she had her first vaccinations. DTap, Hib, PCV, IPV and the Rotavirus vaccine.

It seemed like a lot. I knew the Rotavirus one was new. Julius never had that one.
I knew he had the others, but did he have all of them at 2 months?

She was going to have two shots and the oral vaccination (Rotavirus). I researched it, everything seemed fine. I was going in as an educated second-time parent. No worries.

First Isabella was given the oral vaccination. She made a face (it obviously tasted gross), started coughing, but kept it down. She seemed fine.

Then she had the shots. Again, her response was minimal. She cried out for a second and then stopped. When I picked her up, she smiled. Everything was fine. I was happy, she seemed happy...and I knew the Tylenol was kicking in so I put her in her carseat and drove home. She went right to sleep on the ride home.

When we got home, I put her in her crib and began to do some chores. I was so proud of how I handled the morning (when Julius had his first set of shots, I was a crying mess and kept vigil by his side for probably the entire day and the next).

Then at noon she woke up. She woke up crying. Isabella never wakes up crying.

I thought she was just really hungry, so I picked her up and attempted to nurse her.

She arched her back, she screamed louder. Her little face was bright red. I kept my cool. I tried again. It was as if she didn't know I was holding her. She kept crying and screaming, her whole body stiff. I tried burping her, rocking her, nursing her on the other side...she stopped briefly to latch on, and within seconds started wailing the most painful cry I had ever heard from her.

I was beginning to get that feeling. That sinking, helpless feeling where the room was feeling hot and I remembered once when I was walking at the Rio Center and there was a woman holding a newborn and she was near tears because this was her first time venturing out with her son and he was fussing and she had this look... this deer in the headlights look... this look of fearful unknown, of "is this okay? is this normal? what am I doing wrong???"

And that was me at that moment. Was this okay? Was this normal? What was I doing wrong?

I rocked her, I walked with her, I sang to her, I changed her, I tried nursing her, I put her down, I held her, I put her on her vibrating chair... nothing was working.

Suddenly it was two o'clock and it was time for her Tylenol. I gave it to her and called the doctor. They told me to wait for the Tylenol to take effect and to take her temp.

No temp. Still screaming.

They suggested a bath.

The bath helped for about 4 minutes. Four beautiful minutes. And then she began crying again.

I walked her, I tried nursing (still not nursing at this point), I rocked her, I changed her, I sang to her, I danced with her...

3:30 I call the doctor again and he's in with a patient, so I put her in the car (it's raining now) and we drive to his office.

They call 5 minutes later. Try Motrin and gas drops. So I drive back home and give her Motrin and gas drops as she screams and screams...

At 4:30, she falls asleep.

I'm a shaking mess.

She sleeps for an hour and then wakes up with this lost look in her eyes. She isn't crying, but she isn't my little Isabella. She's like a zombie. I feel like crying.

She's listless and fussy and finally nurses around six. And then she makes eye contact. FINALLY she makes eye contact and I know she's going to be okay.

That night is rough. Her stomach is bothering her and she ends up lying all night in our bed as I rub circles on her stomach.

She wakes her several times that night (she usually only wakes up 2-3x) crying. Crying. My little girl doesn't wake up crying. It was a rough night.

At 7:30 am, she's awake, but not smiling. She's fussy.

She smiles at 8:30 and I feel like flying.

She's still fussy and cries on/off, but it's not that ear-piercing shriek that she was making for over 4 hours yesterday.

I called the nurse. We're going to eliminate some of her vaccinations and space out the others.

Exactly 24 hours after the ordeal first began, Isabella finally looked at me, smiled and made a couple of cooing noises. She's finally back.

hello again

It's been awhile. I've been having such a great time being at home without the stress of work. Of course I'm still checking my work email, getting updates from co-workers, etc., etc... but no deadlines, no rush hour traffic... it's great!

And I'm bonding with Isabella. She looks at me with this, "Hey, I know you!" look and smiles so big... it just lights me up.



Julius adores her. He's so happy to have a sister. He gives her hugs, and when he's sad he'll actually talk to her and it helps him so much: he smiles as he looks at her, and when he's done, he pulls her into a hug and and starts to laugh. It's just so beautiful to watch.

I feel so complete in my life. Just the four of us. It fits.