A new day

As the summer ends and the school year is about to begin, I find myself enjoying just watching my kids. They are both at such incredible ages.

My 14-year old is at that fascinating stage of wanting to be more independent, while constantly making sure he has that safety net to fall back on whenever he needs it. My husband and I are always there for him, and I love sitting back and just watching him explore the world with his now older eyes.

My 9-year old is in a funny stage. She is in between baby and tween. She loves the cuddles and the hugs, but is careful with whom she accepts in her arms. She is more aware of life, and understands that everything has an end. It's sad to see that innocence disappearing, but it's also worthwhile because I know that her compassion will always stay with her.

And then, of course, there's these two troublemakers! They are certainly keeping me busy!!!!

Happy start of the school year/back to the grind, everyone! What do you do to help prepare for the new school year?

keeping me up at night

When I was younger, I remember lying in my bed replaying every conversation or interaction I had that day...sometimes weeks or months earlier even, analyzing each word and movement. It drove me crazy. I would think "why did I say that?" or "why did I do that?" and I would worry.

It was strange, because outside of my bedroom, I would be a "go with the flow" type of girl that didn't believe in regrets. But what a paradox. I think my "No regrets" stemmed from blaming myself if I believed I said or did something stupid. It was my own armor. It was my own fault.

Now that I am older, I still do it. But not necessarily at night. In fact, I think it rarely happens at night because I am always so tired when bedtime arrives!

But during the day, when I send out a text, or if I make a comment at work...the anxiety curls in my belly until I get a response. I try not to care, but it's hard.

The funny thing, is that I am very social. I love going out with my friends. I love making jokes and laughing. But then someone will do something that gives me pause. Their tone may change, or their posture, and suddenly I think "what did I do?" Often it isn't even something I did, but my first response is to always rethink every single word and move I had made.

It's so frustrating.

But I am working on not caring: on detaching myself. I'm actually very good at that when I can keep a relationship away from the personal side.

What I need to do is stop personalizing everything. It's called Rumination.

“Rumination refers to the tendency to repetitively think about the causes, situational factors, and consequences of one’s negative emotional experience (Nolen-Hoeksema, 1991).”

When I was a kid, and I would vent to my sister about these intrusive thoughts, she would say to me, "You aren't that important. No one cares." I would use that in my self-talk and then start up with the "no regrets" theme after a conversation with someone. But it didn't stop the thoughts.

What I need to remember, is that we can’t control how other people view us.

link: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/overcoming-self-sabotage/201002/rumination-problem-solving-gone-wrong

Maturity Awareness Approach.

Thank goodness for good friends. Today a good friend of mine shared a wonderful article that talks about using the Maturity Awareness Approach when dealing with highly immature adults. I highly recommend anyone who is stuck in this never-ending cycle of "nothing will ever be good enough in their eyes" (which then undermines your confidence and self-esteem), to read more about this methodology before you become (more) anxiously vigilant as you try to avoid the emotional backlash that comes from not guessing correctly what the "appropriate" response to anything and everything should be.

To summarize The Maturity Awareness Approach:

1. Use Your Observer Mind
Rather than trying to engage these specific people, emotional detachment is much safer. Use your thinking function rather than your emotional reactivity, and you will no longer be their emotional victim.

2. Express and Then Let Go
One of the hardest things to realize is that trying to get a satisfying response will not work. It is far more effective to say what you need to say using clear, intimate communication, while releasing any expectation that they will change.

3. Focus on the Outcome, Not the Relationship
You can’t expect empathy or fairness from an emotionally immature adult. Instead, think about the specific outcome you want, rather than trying to improve the relationship.

4. Manage, Don’t Engage
Manage the conversation instead of reacting to what the person says. Make explicit goals for topic and duration, and guide things toward where you want to end up. By managing toward the outcome you want, you avoid the frustration of having all conversations hijacked and leaving you feeling emotionally drained and resentful.

biblio:
Lindsay C. Gibson, Psy.D
www.drlindsaygibson.com/

This is good stuff.

Wading.

Life is not easy. Anyone who says life is easy, is clearly lying to you. It does not get easier either. It may baseline, pause or coast for short bursts of time, but the mountains will continue to get higher, and you will continue to stumble.

What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. But it also makes you tired.

I often tell myself that life isn't worth the negative energy that drags us down. I often tell myself to "keep on swimming" and to just "go with the flow." But sometimes I get tired. Yesterday, I was tired. Today, I am tired.

I am tired of all the bullshit. I am tired of all the greed. I am tired of selfish assholes who don't give a damn about anything or anyone but themselves. I am tired of being tired.

So I take hot showers. I take naps. I read books. I avoid twitter, and the news. I avoid my phone. I avoid people. I turn off the world. I breathe in. And I breathe out. That's all I can do.

And that's okay. Because even though I can make amazing arguments on why it's important to keep moving forward at all times, I also know that for my sanity, it's okay to stop for a bit and just cry.

Every day is different. Tomorrow won't be today, and yesterday is already done. I don't have to do it again. So I guess I am still pushing forward, even if it feels like I'm not. I'm still breathing. I'm still here. That means something.