crosses among other things

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/09/14/AR2007091402501.html

I read this article today and the guy in it sounded so much like me. I found it ironic that I had just mentioned this personal topic to Josh a few days ago.

I grew up in a very religious household. I went to CCD (continuing catholic...development? I dunno, something like that), had all my sacraments, etc. etc.... and as I got older and began to question the Church, I began having this silent struggle within myself, but continued going to church because my mom made me. And when I realized that I did not believe in so many things that the priests were saying that I was suppose to believe it, then I told myself that I could still go to church because what those "men behind the pulpit" were saying were just men. It wasn't God's words. God wasn't saying that birth control, abortion, homosexuality, premarital sex and later, stem cell research, was wrong. It was the guys running the show that was saying all those stuff.

I got married and continued going to Church. I prayed often. I was probably fairly religious. But slowly it changed. Not because my husband is Jewish. Not because a lot of my friends came from different faiths... but because I began to realize that I was tuning things out when I went to church. I was making excuses for things priests were saying that I didn't agree with... and when I became pregnant, my visits to church became less frequent. And when Julius was born, I pretty much only attended for Easter and Christmas. And that has remained.

For awhile I thought I could find a liberal catholic church. But when I googled it, all I got back was episcopalian.

My eyes were opened. So many extremists were killing people "in the name of God." People were judging others "in the name of God." People were HATING people, "in the name of God."

And that disgusted me.

So many hypocrites. So much politics. It was disgusting.

I believe in so many things that the Church says NO to. And I can no longer make excuses or tune out the things I want to tune out.

ANd I don't want to put Julius in a position where some guy in a robe who says he is preaching God's word, tell him about what he can and can't believe in and follow. I will not have some guy tell Julius that it's wrong to do this and believe in that and question this, etc. etc. NO!

So I'm at a point in my life where I'm feeling like the man in the above article from England. I feel loathing, I feel anger... I feel my blood boil when someone starts to talk about religion.

I'm not atheist. I still believe in God and somewhere in me I still believe in religion as a personal belief (and not as an organizational group that promotes judging others and living in a bubble).

I'm not envious of the people I know who are religious. I think I might be more envious of those who are not. Those who can easily shrug their shoulders when asked about God and heaven. I stare at awe at those people because they don't have to feel this burden.

So many years of having Catholicism shoved down my throat has made me jumpy and defensive.

Maybe when Julius is older, we might join an interfaith community. Who knows what the future brings? Julius knows about God. I've told him that much. He knows a bit about Jesus and the Virgin Mary. Josh has told him some about the Jewish faith. I think our son is pretty well-rounded. He's not like one of my friend's kid who can probably recite passages of the Bible.. but I would NEVER want that from my son.

One night when Julius was lying in our bed, we began talking about God and decided to 'pray.' And I made it a point not to just regurgitate a prayer. We talked. Julius talked to God. I talked to God. Josh talked to God. And it was nice.

That was nice.

That I can do.