moving forward when you feel yourself going backwards

With highs, there are lows. It's important to push through when the lows hit. It isn't losing: it's a slower battle, that's all.

And sometimes, it's okay to take a break for a moment, or two. Just get back up and keep going when you are ready. The world needs heroes, and we come in all shapes and sizes.

Your fight may be small. Your fight may be big. The important thing, is that as long as you keep going, and as long as you are STILL HERE, then you are surviving, and that's winning.

The news has been brutal. Separating families, the SCOTUS 4-5 decision to allow crisis pregnancy centers to lie to patients, the insane Muslim Ban...the list goes on and on..and now one of the Supreme Court judges decides to announce his retirement? What is this fuckery? And McConnell sees no issue to have that idiot Trump decide on a replacement when he refused to allow Obama to do so when Scalia died?

Utter nonsense. Fuck civility. Civility got us in this mess. Civility will not get us out of this mess.

The majority did not vote for this psycho. In the past 17-months he has destroyed so much. Civil rights, science, education, the environment, and quite simply our reputation. Government officials have their pockets lined with blood money as they further the divide in this country.

Fuck being civil.

#notanad

The other day someone asked me what do I use on my hair to keep it so healthy. If you know me, you'd understand the question: I change the color of my hair multiple times a year. It's been brown, red, blue, purple, green, ombre of bright colors or dark colors...I like the variety.

So what do I use?

Pureology. You can go to their website to learn more about their sulfate-free products. I use their hydrating shampoo and their Color Fanatic leave-in spray. https://www.pureology.com/haircare/

I have not tried their dry shampoo. In fact, I haven't tried any dry shampoo. I might be in the minority here, I know. I'd love to hear what others try.

Top to bottom, my favorite body wash is without a doubt: Elemis Sharp Shower Body Wash. https://www.elemis.com/us/sharp-shower-body-wash.html

Other things I swear by? Andalou Naturals 1000 Roses Daily Shade lotion visage Facial Lotion SPF 18. https://andalou.com/products/1000-roses-daily-shade-facial-lotion-spf-18 It's light, makes my face feel hydrated without the heavy stickiness of other lotions, and it has an SPF which makes it a super win.

I don't have an eye cream that I absolutely adore. At night I just use coconut oil, which does the job. But I want a morning eye cream that will help me not look like I'm suffering from a hangover when I wake up in the morning. I'm currently using Lancôme, which is nice, but I've always used other brands and I haven't found one that I liked more than another. If anyone wants to share their favorite with me, I'd love to hear it.

so...eye creams and dry shampoo brands: go!

Excuse me while I kiss the sky

I've been working out with an app called Lumowell. They have videos on YouTube that are updated frequently. I absolutely love it. In fact, it hasn't even been a full week and I'm already feeling the results.

My energy has improved and I definitely feel leaner and stronger. The only downside is that today my body protested (I've been doing 25-45 minutes every day) and I had to take a "rest day." So I took the kids to an alpaca farm!

Alpacas are absolutely beautiful. They have the kindest eyes and are just so sweet and incredibly soft.

We also hung out with sheep, a donkey, some peacocks, chickens, a turkey, ducks and goats! It was such a fun day!

Letting Go

There are too many people in our lives that harm instead of help. It's important to not only focus on your physical health, but your mental health at well. Toxic people do more harm than good. Stop making excuses for those that hurt you and move on.

Sometimes it's easier said than done, but with age there is wisdom.

So goodbye to the crap that you allowed yourself to endure for too long. You are worth more than that.

I am grateful for my husband and my children. I am grateful for my silly and affectionate dog as well. And I am grateful that I have enough mind to use my words and tell someone goodbye, knowing that the people I love at home will always be there to be support me.

Sometimes I get sad, and tonight I'm feeling the clouds of doubt circling behind me. But it's because I'm vulnerable. There is nothing wrong with being vulnerable, especially after moments of defending yourself and letting go of the negativity.

Tonight the questions start to plague me that have nothing to do with what transpired today, but just my own insecurities peaking out. I start to doubt the sincerity of friendships when I haven't received any "hey, what's up?" texts from anyone since our work vacation has started. I start to doubt myself, and wonder if I put myself out there too much. It's a hard line to figure out sometimes, and it's harder when you aren't sure if people feel the same about you as you feel about them. When did I get like this?

There is enough hate in this world already. Sometimes we just need to let go, and breathe.

getting back in shape

Wow, I am in terrible shape LOL I just did an online cardio dance set for 15 minutes and I am exhausted. Wow.

Well that's certainly a wake up call! It's time to work out...bikini time is just around the corner!

Anyone know of any great online exercise programs that they love?

Mama Bear restrained

I remember how hard it was to find someone to watch Isabella when she was little. Initially I was hoping Julius' former sitter was able to watch her, but she had just had a baby herself and though she tried, it was too hard with a newborn. My next attempt was a neighbor who watched her for a semester when she was taking only evening classes. After that, my other neighbor was able to watch her for several months until she got a full time job as a kindergarten teacher. It was at that point, that one of my son's friend's mom suggested her nanny's friend, Emely.
It was a mistake. So many red flags, but I was desperate. I couldn't quit my job. I couldn't take more leave. She had a son who was the same age of Isabella. One would think this would be a good thing. It wasn't. Emely obviously didn't pay any attention to the two toddlers. Items would be broken when I returned home. My favorite vase from our wedding, Isabella's toddler drum set, and then one day I came home to discover that her son bit my daughter.
I should have fired her. I should have told her that that was the final straw and to not come back. But I was desperate, and she knew it. She didn't charge much, and money was tight. It was a horrible situation and I felt so helpless. I wanted only the best for my daughter and I couldn't give it to her.
That fall, Emely moved to Florida and I was grateful because in the fall Isabella would be able to attend nursery school, and there was a childcare provider who lived across the street from the preschool who could pick her up from the nursery school and give her lunch and let her play for a bit with the other children until I was able to pick her up. It all worked out. Finally.

Isabella is 9-years old now. Why am I bringing this up now? So many years later? Because today we were sitting by the hotel pool (hockey tournament) and I was watching Isabella in the corner of my eye while talking to another parent. She was playing a ball game with four older children. Every time I looked, she did not have the ball, but she was trying to get it. She didn't look upset, so I let it got and kept talking. Once that parent left, I looked over and she still didn't have the ball. The older kids kept throwing it over her head. I was getting annoyed, but I didn't see Isabella giving me any cues that she was getting upset. I asked Josh what he thought. He felt it was fine. She wasn't crying, she wasn't asking for help, and she was smiling. But I had a bad feeling in my gut.
I told Isabella we were leaving in five minutes. She looked at me, asked for six minutes instead. I said okay, and let it go. Obviously that meant she was having fun, right?
They kept throwing that fuckin' ball over her head. I was getting frustrated. But Isabella didn't look at me for help. I let it go.
When the six minutes were over, I told her it was time to go and walked over with a towel. Isabella walked out of the pool and wouldn't look at me. I asked her if everything was okay. She said yes. I asked her if the kids were being mean to her. She shrugged. I wanted to set fire to the world.
Instead, I took a deep breath and asked her if she wanted to me to talk to them. She said 'no,' that it would embarrass her. We walked past the kids at the pool and I told her that some kids can be real jerks.
I wanted to confront those assholes. I wanted to grab that ball and throw it over the fence. But I restrained myself. And it reminded me of when Isabella was two-years old and was bitten in the face from a neglected toddler because his mother spent her days watching novelas on my television screen and taking naps.
But this time it wasn't financial hardships that stopped me from being a Mama Bear, but my own daughter. Why didn't she seek me out? I immediately wondered if it was because she felt I wouldn't help her...again I was trapped in the past with Emely and her cannibal child.

She later told me that she almost caught the ball once and one of the girls swatted her hand away. I immediately wished that that brat would be bitten by a dog. I accidentally said it out loud, and Isabella smiled. At least I got a smile out of her.

I should have listened to my instincts. I know Isabella is fine. I know that. But I am pissed off at myself for not saving her...again.

expectations

Today I had a wonderful talk with a good friend of mine about the woes of expectations.
Sometimes, when people offer to do things for you, they aren't always doing it to be nice. Often they want something in return, regardless of what they say otherwise. It may take weeks, months, or even a year. But suddenly, the person will bring it up and you don't know how to react.

And then, when they offer to "help" or dangle something wonderful in front of you, you might want to take it. You definitely need the help, or want the wonderful item. But at what will the price be when it comes back to bite you in the ass?

So you become heavy with resentment.

What should you do?

Let go of the expectations. The person offering you something is more than likely not sincere. Not everyone is a compassionate human being. Say "no thanks, I got this," even if you don't. Then the expectations vanish and you are in control once again.

It's a strange conundrum, but makes so much sense.

I often find my feelings being hurt when I trust someone who then figuratively stabs me in the back. And I forgive too easily.
I guess I need a stronger back bone.
And more independence. It's okay to say "no," when someone offers to "help" because regardless of how helpful this help may be, it can come with a price that hurts more than it's worth.
And with that tidbit of information, I will say adieu and enjoy a mango smoothie.

Rainy Day Blues

It's hard coming out of a dark place. When you feel the clouds starting to finally lift, your first inclination is to get scared. You don't want to get overly excited. You know there is a chance it might not last.

And then, once you start feeling better, there's this guilt behind it. Do you deserve to feel better? Were you ever really that sad? What the hell is wrong with you? How can you be smiling now?

It's a weird and scary ride, and it hurts when someone tries to tell you all the reasons why you shouldn't be feeling the way you are feeling. Like, "oh, right, of course. Thanks for reminding me, I'll go skip & hop along now."

As I am getting older, I'm noticing my moments of sadness becoming closer together. I used to think it was just seasonal, but now I don't really know. I ended up installing an app on my phone: Daylio. It's supposed to help me track my moods better so I can figure out what my triggers are. Maybe it's seasons. Maybe it's hormonal. Maybe it's just that people suck and drain the life out of me LOL I definitely have felt more of these dark periods since Trump took office, so go figure.