getting back in shape

Wow, I am in terrible shape LOL I just did an online cardio dance set for 15 minutes and I am exhausted. Wow.

Well that's certainly a wake up call! It's time to work out...bikini time is just around the corner!

Anyone know of any great online exercise programs that they love?

Mama Bear restrained

I remember how hard it was to find someone to watch Isabella when she was little. Initially I was hoping Julius' former sitter was able to watch her, but she had just had a baby herself and though she tried, it was too hard with a newborn. My next attempt was a neighbor who watched her for a semester when she was taking only evening classes. After that, my other neighbor was able to watch her for several months until she got a full time job as a kindergarten teacher. It was at that point, that one of my son's friend's mom suggested her nanny's friend, Emely.
It was a mistake. So many red flags, but I was desperate. I couldn't quit my job. I couldn't take more leave. She had a son who was the same age of Isabella. One would think this would be a good thing. It wasn't. Emely obviously didn't pay any attention to the two toddlers. Items would be broken when I returned home. My favorite vase from our wedding, Isabella's toddler drum set, and then one day I came home to discover that her son bit my daughter.
I should have fired her. I should have told her that that was the final straw and to not come back. But I was desperate, and she knew it. She didn't charge much, and money was tight. It was a horrible situation and I felt so helpless. I wanted only the best for my daughter and I couldn't give it to her.
That fall, Emely moved to Florida and I was grateful because in the fall Isabella would be able to attend nursery school, and there was a childcare provider who lived across the street from the preschool who could pick her up from the nursery school and give her lunch and let her play for a bit with the other children until I was able to pick her up. It all worked out. Finally.

Isabella is 9-years old now. Why am I bringing this up now? So many years later? Because today we were sitting by the hotel pool (hockey tournament) and I was watching Isabella in the corner of my eye while talking to another parent. She was playing a ball game with four older children. Every time I looked, she did not have the ball, but she was trying to get it. She didn't look upset, so I let it got and kept talking. Once that parent left, I looked over and she still didn't have the ball. The older kids kept throwing it over her head. I was getting annoyed, but I didn't see Isabella giving me any cues that she was getting upset. I asked Josh what he thought. He felt it was fine. She wasn't crying, she wasn't asking for help, and she was smiling. But I had a bad feeling in my gut.
I told Isabella we were leaving in five minutes. She looked at me, asked for six minutes instead. I said okay, and let it go. Obviously that meant she was having fun, right?
They kept throwing that fuckin' ball over her head. I was getting frustrated. But Isabella didn't look at me for help. I let it go.
When the six minutes were over, I told her it was time to go and walked over with a towel. Isabella walked out of the pool and wouldn't look at me. I asked her if everything was okay. She said yes. I asked her if the kids were being mean to her. She shrugged. I wanted to set fire to the world.
Instead, I took a deep breath and asked her if she wanted to me to talk to them. She said 'no,' that it would embarrass her. We walked past the kids at the pool and I told her that some kids can be real jerks.
I wanted to confront those assholes. I wanted to grab that ball and throw it over the fence. But I restrained myself. And it reminded me of when Isabella was two-years old and was bitten in the face from a neglected toddler because his mother spent her days watching novelas on my television screen and taking naps.
But this time it wasn't financial hardships that stopped me from being a Mama Bear, but my own daughter. Why didn't she seek me out? I immediately wondered if it was because she felt I wouldn't help her...again I was trapped in the past with Emely and her cannibal child.

She later told me that she almost caught the ball once and one of the girls swatted her hand away. I immediately wished that that brat would be bitten by a dog. I accidentally said it out loud, and Isabella smiled. At least I got a smile out of her.

I should have listened to my instincts. I know Isabella is fine. I know that. But I am pissed off at myself for not saving her...again.

expectations

Today I had a wonderful talk with a good friend of mine about the woes of expectations.
Sometimes, when people offer to do things for you, they aren't always doing it to be nice. Often they want something in return, regardless of what they say otherwise. It may take weeks, months, or even a year. But suddenly, the person will bring it up and you don't know how to react.

And then, when they offer to "help" or dangle something wonderful in front of you, you might want to take it. You definitely need the help, or want the wonderful item. But at what will the price be when it comes back to bite you in the ass?

So you become heavy with resentment.

What should you do?

Let go of the expectations. The person offering you something is more than likely not sincere. Not everyone is a compassionate human being. Say "no thanks, I got this," even if you don't. Then the expectations vanish and you are in control once again.

It's a strange conundrum, but makes so much sense.

I often find my feelings being hurt when I trust someone who then figuratively stabs me in the back. And I forgive too easily.
I guess I need a stronger back bone.
And more independence. It's okay to say "no," when someone offers to "help" because regardless of how helpful this help may be, it can come with a price that hurts more than it's worth.
And with that tidbit of information, I will say adieu and enjoy a mango smoothie.

Rainy Day Blues

It's hard coming out of a dark place. When you feel the clouds starting to finally lift, your first inclination is to get scared. You don't want to get overly excited. You know there is a chance it might not last.

And then, once you start feeling better, there's this guilt behind it. Do you deserve to feel better? Were you ever really that sad? What the hell is wrong with you? How can you be smiling now?

It's a weird and scary ride, and it hurts when someone tries to tell you all the reasons why you shouldn't be feeling the way you are feeling. Like, "oh, right, of course. Thanks for reminding me, I'll go skip & hop along now."

As I am getting older, I'm noticing my moments of sadness becoming closer together. I used to think it was just seasonal, but now I don't really know. I ended up installing an app on my phone: Daylio. It's supposed to help me track my moods better so I can figure out what my triggers are. Maybe it's seasons. Maybe it's hormonal. Maybe it's just that people suck and drain the life out of me LOL I definitely have felt more of these dark periods since Trump took office, so go figure.

Elderberries

On Thursday, my son came home from school and told me how one student "definitely had strep throat, but his mom is going to take him to the doctor's later so he could take all his tests," and how another student was in the hospital with the flu for two days and his parents (who are both doctors) medicated him up and sent him to school today so he could get all his work done." Seriously? My son is 13-years old. He's old enough to stay home by himself, just like his classmates. If a parent can't take leave, just let your kid stay home! Why spread the germs???? So on Friday evening, my son started coughing...he woke up with a fever on Saturday and started vomiting as well. On Sunday it was the worst. My daughter became ill on Saturday, and today (Monday) is at her worst with a fever that won't quit. My husband is also sick. Me? I've been popping elderberries like candy and consuming an obscene amount of vitamin C. I've washed my hands so much that I've probably lost a layer of skin, and I've sprayed so much Lysol that I am sure the lining in my sinuses is ruined. Will we be healthy enough to go to Nashville this Thursday? Honestly, I don't know. What I do know is that the stupidity of parents has no bounds. Education is not more important than health!

Hello again.

I'm really bad at this. I wanted to at least begin updating once a week...even once a month. Kind of pathetic. But...here I go again.

What's been going on in my life? Well, I took on too much in my life. Nothing new there. I love to be busy. In fact, I love being so overwhelmingly busy that I have to multitask. It makes me happy. I think I enjoy that feeling of chaotic juggling because it makes me feel useful: like I am a part of something. If I didn't move, I'd sleep.

But as all good things, it came to an end as the holidays approached. Thanksgiving to Christmas always causes me stress. Unfortunately, this stress level was higher than usual and I ended up finding myself at the cardiologist's office.

Was my cardiomyopathy back? The arrythmias sure were. The Supraventricular Tachycardias were as well. I didn't want to think about it. I "survived" postpartum cardiomyopathy all those years ago. I couldn't go back to those days.

We learn from things. That's how we grow. That's how we move on. That's how we make progress.

So I learned from that moment of fear. I learned that sometimes I need to let go. Sometimes, I don't need to juggle a dozen hats.

So now I take naps.

Now I say "no"... not always. But 1/10x is better than 0/10. It's a work in progress.

What else can I learn from this?

Welcome back, me

I can't believe I've forgotten all about my blog. It's been years. Literal years since I last updated. I don't even know where to begin! I suppose I need a new theme. The first time I started this blog, I *think* it was (if I remember correctly), to vent and share my dealings with my second pregnancy and having HG. It wasn't very pleasant having an IV stuck in my arm and still wanting to puke for nine months, while chasing a four-year old and trying to stay upright at work full time. Yeah, it sucked. However, the good --no, GREAT -- news was that there was a light at the end of the misery, and that light was my beautiful baby girl, Isabella. She's eight now.

I think I then went back to writing in this blog a few months after she was born and I was diagnosed with post partum cardiomyopathy. Also, really sucked. It was scary and it was sad, and I was lucky to have recovered.

Then, I went back to my blog when I decided to change up my diet.

Guess what? It didn't last LOL But that's okay, because I am still pretty healthy and have a lot of energy. In fact, today I taught an inclusive dance class for families with and without special needs. It was awesome :) Not as many kids came as I would have hoped, but more will come next week.

So, what else? My son is 13-years old. 13! I have a teenager. It's crazy, I know.

I am not sure what else to post. I will give it some thought, and maybe decide of a theme. Perhaps it will be something healthy-related. Who knows :)

Life is a dance

When Julius was small, we used to have little dance parties: just me and him. When he started nursery school, I would turn on the music as soon as we got home. It was a great transition to "home time."
Before Julius was born, I used to dance whenever there was music. I loved to dance.
Somewhere, sometime, I seemed to have forgotten.

When I became pregnant with Isabella, I was too sick with HG to do much of anything. That's when I stopped dancing.

After she was born, I was still too tired to dance...I figured from being sick for all those months...but turns out I had developed cardiomyopathy. I didn't dance.

And when I finally, thankfully, recovered, I was too busy to dance. Too busy making up for lost time.

Recently, I've been feeling pretty damn awesome. Maybe it's because I've been gluten free for awhile now and my energy level is fabulous....but I'm dancing again. In the mornings, I turn on the music and dance...when I cook or clean, I dance...and now I remember the awesome-free freedom I used to feel when I would dance.

Julius doesn't want to dance with me anymore. I won't let the mommy guilt weigh me down. He's 9 now, 9-year olds don't usually want to dance with their moms.

Isabella loves to dance. We dance together, sometimes. Most of the time it's just me, in the kitchen, dancing like an idiot...and I love it.

Werewolves vs. Vampires

When I was in high school and college, I loved everything-vampires. Blame it on Anne Rice, she fueled the obsession. But even before then, I thought vampires were the absolute coolest, scariest, hottest thing in the world.

I even visited our "local vampire" in Potomac (world's best basement shop EVER).

But then something shifted...I can't pin point exactly when. God knows it wasn't from watching that Twilight shit (yes, I read the books, but damn it was hard...I can't even sit myself through the movies...there isn't even alcohol in my bloodstream to survive that).

But one day I picked up a book, because I'm a reading whore, and it was about werewolves, and I thought "damn, not bad." So I read some more, and let's face it, they were Porn With Plot....and they were good. So I checked back with the vampires and....eh. Didn't do it for me.

I wonder if it's a maturity thing? Perhaps when a person hits 30, hot vampires turn into hot wolves?

Hmmmm, someone must have a research paper written about that somewhere....

In other news, I am still a gluten free vegetarian and doing FABULOUS :)

Lovin' it

I am loving being gluten free. And guess what? I've lost 8 pounds! And I am not even exercising!

And I love Silver Diner...they have a great gluten free menu :)

Pics

Hey! Posting pics is easy with this app :)
So in that case, let me update with pics of my kids!
Julius is now 9, and Isabella is 4 (will be 5 in November).

Paleo cake and more

Yesterday I made a paleo chocolate kitty cake. If I ever out how to load a picture using this blogger app on my phone, you'll be able to see it.

Though I am not 100% paleo, I am happily enjoying being 100% gluten-free.

It hasn't been an inconvenience, and today I am going to try some gluten-free pizza over at Potomac Pizza.

Update

I feel GREAT without gluten. I love this!
And I don't miss wheat at all!

Friday!

I love Fridays. And I am finally starting to feel better...less itchy!

For breakfast I had strawberries and bananas. For lunch I had a greek salad, and for dinner I am going to have spinach & artichoke dip with veggies and a side of gluten free sweet potato fries!

I am really proud of myself :)

Slow and steady

Thanks to the wonderful powers of social media, it was recommended that I try adding Xantham Gum next time when attempting to make coconut pancakes...and, I received an easier recipe that sounds super delicious!

http://detoxinista.com/2012/01/paleo-pancakes/

Of course, we are peanut and tree nut free here, so I would minus that part...or maybe use sunflower butter?

The above website also has a yummy snack recipe using dates.

So I decided to just aim for being grain-free for the moment. Once I am comfortable enough with it, then I can start removing dairy. I didn't have any dairy today, and I may not have any tomorrow...but I think keeping that possibility open makes this all the easier.

Back to square one

Today is the day.
For breakfast I had a hardboiled egg, and then later, sliced bananas in raw honey.

For lunch, I was excited to try making vanilla pancakes out of coconut flour. Guess what? NOT as fantastic as it sounds. Very grainy. The first bite felt like coconut flavored sand.  Not sure how to fix that.

So I am still trying to figure out lunch, but I know I can do this. I am just going to go through this one day at a time.

Try again

I decided to try again. My skin is on fire. I hadn't notice the connection between my dry skin and what/dairy until I eliminated them from my diet.

Yesterday after the chips, I ate some crackers with cream cheese and then the itchiness started. It was so bad I jumped in the shower and put the water as hot as I could stand it.

This mornings I ate a bowl of cereal, had a bag of chips, a slice of cake, and some pasta for dinner....and now my skin is killing me! Cream won't work, I am this close to throwing myself against the wall.

So...I am doing this paleo veg diet AGAIN.

Failure 101

This must be what a drug addict feels like. I could SMELL the carbs...it was slowly destroying me....

I gave in.

Yes, I know, I suck.

I couldn't even stick it out a week. That's pretty pathetic.

Day 5

After a weekend full of carb temptations, I had hoped to treat myself this Monday morning with pancakes made of coconut flour.
Sadly, after walking the dog, packing the kids' lunches and getting dressed, there was no time :( so I had a sunny-side up egg and left to work.
I had planned for avocado for lunch, until my co-worker informed me that "good fat or not," too much isn't good for you. So, sadly, I did not have my delicious avocado at lunch time. Instead, I ate watermelon.
I am beginning to rethink this 30 day plan. I don't know if I can actually do this...

Day 4 of my paleo-vegetarian diet

This morning, after drinking way too much alcohol (hey, I bet paleos had moonshine!), I ate an obscene amount of watermelon.
Wegman's opened up, so we checked out their produce and I bought a ton of delicious fruits and vegetables, plus coconut flour so I can make paleo pancakes..

I think I am going to make a sunny-side up egg with shredded coconut on top. I saw that recipe on primalpalate.com and it sounded pretty interesting!!