It was strange, because outside of my bedroom, I would be a "go with the flow" type of girl that didn't believe in regrets. But what a paradox. I think my "No regrets" stemmed from blaming myself if I believed I said or did something stupid. It was my own armor. It was my own fault.
Now that I am older, I still do it. But not necessarily at night. In fact, I think it rarely happens at night because I am always so tired when bedtime arrives!
But during the day, when I send out a text, or if I make a comment at work...the anxiety curls in my belly until I get a response. I try not to care, but it's hard.
The funny thing, is that I am very social. I love going out with my friends. I love making jokes and laughing. But then someone will do something that gives me pause. Their tone may change, or their posture, and suddenly I think "what did I do?" Often it isn't even something I did, but my first response is to always rethink every single word and move I had made.
It's so frustrating.
But I am working on not caring: on detaching myself. I'm actually very good at that when I can keep a relationship away from the personal side.
What I need to do is stop personalizing everything. It's called Rumination.
“Rumination refers to the tendency to repetitively think about the causes, situational factors, and consequences of one’s negative emotional experience (Nolen-Hoeksema, 1991).”
When I was a kid, and I would vent to my sister about these intrusive thoughts, she would say to me, "You aren't that important. No one cares." I would use that in my self-talk and then start up with the "no regrets" theme after a conversation with someone. But it didn't stop the thoughts.
What I need to remember, is that we can’t control how other people view us.
link: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/overcoming-self-sabotage/201002/rumination-problem-solving-gone-wrong
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