Thoughts and memories

I haven't been updating this for awhile. I've had a lot on my mind. The world is full of distractions. Currently, the political climate has me at an unease. I worry about the future, especially for what kind of world my children will grow up in. I worry for my daughter when I see people in power belittle women. I worry about the future of her rights. I think back to when I was young, and the things that I was told...and I don't want that for my daughter.

I don't want her to think a woman cannot be a president because "women are too emotional to be a president." I think about Trump. Holy shit, he's a basketcase.

I don't want her to blame herself if someone takes advantage of her. I don't want her to hold it in, in fear of retaliation, or in fear of disbelief. I think, again, about Trump, and his horrific comments about women. I think of Kavanaugh and how so many people attacked Dr. Ford. Blaming the victim isn't new, but it is very wrong. And I had hoped that here in 2018, we as a community would have grown and matured since then.

But when people in power are regarded as role models, a community shifts. When the people in power abuse others, redirect the blame, and use fear as a distraction, then those who follow blindly destroy the faith in those who wish for good in the world.

I'm feeling morose. I am hoping that the elections will bring a positive change. It's disheartening when I hear that the younger generation, even after all the shootings, the fighting, the economy, that they would be excited in voting. Instead, I hear from their parents "Oh, my child just doesn't care." How can they not care?!

It's frustrating. Again, I look at my children, and I want only the best for them.

I think about my daughter again too. I remember when I was her age. I remember how I was when I was even younger. I remember announcing I wanted to play baseball and being told that "it's softball for girls, and boys won't like you if you play sports." Why would that matter? But as a child, I understood that as "getting a boyfriend was more important than playing sports." And then later, when I was probably 8 or 9 years old, I remember going into a store with my cousin and sister while my mother waited outside. An older man kept following me and touching me. I was scared, and after the third time feeling him press up against me, I ran out. I was too scared to say anything, but one man saw what was happening. He had looked at me, but said nothing. After a few minutes, my sister and cousin came out to meet my mother and I. About twenty minutes later or so, I eventually told my mother what happened. She told me "It's too late now. You should have said something when it happened." So I closed my mouth and said nothing else. It was too late, my mother said so.

A couple years later, maybe only one or two years, I sat in the after-school school bus heading home. The driver had a friend who was older than us. I thought I was cool because he liked to talk to me. It made me feel special. He would joke around. Sometimes I didn't understand his jokes, but the other boys laughed, so I did too. One day, he started tickling me under my shorts. The other boys laughed. I didn't like it, but I forced myself to laugh. I tried to move away, but he kept doing it, laughing and joking about how red my face was getting. The bus driver didn't stop him. All the boys were laughing. I pretended it was funny too. And when the bus stopped, I tried not to shake as I left the bus and walked home. I was in fifth grade. I remember that much. I remember his name was Hector, and I remember there were other boys around us and they were laughing. I didn't understand how I felt, but I knew I didn't like the feeling.

Eventually, I told my mother. She didn't seem to care. She told me I should have told him to stop. She made me feel like it was my fault. And then, years later, when I was I high school, she found out I took a picture of myself in my bra to give to my then-boyfriend. She yelled at me, called me names, and then told me that if what happened on the bus actually did happen, that I had probably asked for it.

I had wanted to die when she said that.

But that's the generation we lived in. I remember being 14 -years old and standing in line to see the Sistine Chapel in Vatican City, one of the holiest places in the world, and some guy kept groping me. He grabbed my ass, squeezed it, chuckled under his breath and then started rubbing. I kept trying to move away, but he wouldn't stop. When I told my mother that the man kept touching me, she told me to just ignore him.

I know I am not the only person who has had things like this happen to. The #metoo movement hit me hard as it hit so many others. Too many times we are told to ignore or shut up. Too many times we are told to blame ourselves, to question our actions.

I do not want that for my children.

My children understand the importance of consent and respect. But I worry when I watch the news and see who is getting away with what. It's a scary time.

I love my children. I want the best possible future for them, and I will continue fighting for them and their future.

edible face masks

I've been down for the count since Wednesday evening when I sustained a concussion. Not fun. Technically, I'm supposed to be cognitively resting (Which means no laptop, phone, tv, reading, etc.) but today is Saturday and I have serious withdrawal symptoms. Therefore, it's email-Instagram-twitter-facebook-blog time!

The boys are in New Jersey for hockey (no surprise there), so Isabella and I are having a girls night! That's right, we are doing the whole girlie thang: mani, pedi, facials!!!!!

Now I'm all about putting good stuff in and on my body, so naturally I feel the same regarding my kids. I googled a bunch of different all natural face masks using edible ingredients and the winner was:

Rasberry, honey and coconut oil facial mask

Super easy and fun.

First we mixed the ingredients...smashing the raspberries was fun. Then I smeared it all over Isabella's face. The kid looked like she was ready for an episode of The Walking Dead. Needless to say, together we looked like horror film extras. But the outcome was nice. Our skin felt very smooth afterwards, though I did use some face moisturizer afterwards because my skin didn't feel very hydrated afterwards.

#WorldSuicidePreventionDay

Today is Word Suicide Prevention Day, and though it sad that we have a day focusing on this plight, it's also a good reminder to check in on everyone. Sometimes a small smile, or a quick text letting someone know you are thinking of them can change a person's day.

Sadness can take on many forms, and sometimes it can last for a few hours, a few days, months or even years. And one person's sadness can be different than another person's. It can look like anger, or indifference.

It's important to know what makes you happy and to spend time doing what makes you happy. It's also important to be mindful of your surroundings.

On this day, I invite everyone to take a moment and just smile at someone, check in, even if it's just a simple 'hello.'

Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the U.S.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
@800273TALK

- @CrisisTextLine
: Text HOME to 741741

- @TrevorProject
1-866-488-7386

Find a reason and live for it.

A new day

As the summer ends and the school year is about to begin, I find myself enjoying just watching my kids. They are both at such incredible ages.

My 14-year old is at that fascinating stage of wanting to be more independent, while constantly making sure he has that safety net to fall back on whenever he needs it. My husband and I are always there for him, and I love sitting back and just watching him explore the world with his now older eyes.

My 9-year old is in a funny stage. She is in between baby and tween. She loves the cuddles and the hugs, but is careful with whom she accepts in her arms. She is more aware of life, and understands that everything has an end. It's sad to see that innocence disappearing, but it's also worthwhile because I know that her compassion will always stay with her.

And then, of course, there's these two troublemakers! They are certainly keeping me busy!!!!

Happy start of the school year/back to the grind, everyone! What do you do to help prepare for the new school year?

keeping me up at night

When I was younger, I remember lying in my bed replaying every conversation or interaction I had that day...sometimes weeks or months earlier even, analyzing each word and movement. It drove me crazy. I would think "why did I say that?" or "why did I do that?" and I would worry.

It was strange, because outside of my bedroom, I would be a "go with the flow" type of girl that didn't believe in regrets. But what a paradox. I think my "No regrets" stemmed from blaming myself if I believed I said or did something stupid. It was my own armor. It was my own fault.

Now that I am older, I still do it. But not necessarily at night. In fact, I think it rarely happens at night because I am always so tired when bedtime arrives!

But during the day, when I send out a text, or if I make a comment at work...the anxiety curls in my belly until I get a response. I try not to care, but it's hard.

The funny thing, is that I am very social. I love going out with my friends. I love making jokes and laughing. But then someone will do something that gives me pause. Their tone may change, or their posture, and suddenly I think "what did I do?" Often it isn't even something I did, but my first response is to always rethink every single word and move I had made.

It's so frustrating.

But I am working on not caring: on detaching myself. I'm actually very good at that when I can keep a relationship away from the personal side.

What I need to do is stop personalizing everything. It's called Rumination.

“Rumination refers to the tendency to repetitively think about the causes, situational factors, and consequences of one’s negative emotional experience (Nolen-Hoeksema, 1991).”

When I was a kid, and I would vent to my sister about these intrusive thoughts, she would say to me, "You aren't that important. No one cares." I would use that in my self-talk and then start up with the "no regrets" theme after a conversation with someone. But it didn't stop the thoughts.

What I need to remember, is that we can’t control how other people view us.

link: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/overcoming-self-sabotage/201002/rumination-problem-solving-gone-wrong

Maturity Awareness Approach.

Thank goodness for good friends. Today a good friend of mine shared a wonderful article that talks about using the Maturity Awareness Approach when dealing with highly immature adults. I highly recommend anyone who is stuck in this never-ending cycle of "nothing will ever be good enough in their eyes" (which then undermines your confidence and self-esteem), to read more about this methodology before you become (more) anxiously vigilant as you try to avoid the emotional backlash that comes from not guessing correctly what the "appropriate" response to anything and everything should be.

To summarize The Maturity Awareness Approach:

1. Use Your Observer Mind
Rather than trying to engage these specific people, emotional detachment is much safer. Use your thinking function rather than your emotional reactivity, and you will no longer be their emotional victim.

2. Express and Then Let Go
One of the hardest things to realize is that trying to get a satisfying response will not work. It is far more effective to say what you need to say using clear, intimate communication, while releasing any expectation that they will change.

3. Focus on the Outcome, Not the Relationship
You can’t expect empathy or fairness from an emotionally immature adult. Instead, think about the specific outcome you want, rather than trying to improve the relationship.

4. Manage, Don’t Engage
Manage the conversation instead of reacting to what the person says. Make explicit goals for topic and duration, and guide things toward where you want to end up. By managing toward the outcome you want, you avoid the frustration of having all conversations hijacked and leaving you feeling emotionally drained and resentful.

biblio:
Lindsay C. Gibson, Psy.D
www.drlindsaygibson.com/

This is good stuff.

Wading.

Life is not easy. Anyone who says life is easy, is clearly lying to you. It does not get easier either. It may baseline, pause or coast for short bursts of time, but the mountains will continue to get higher, and you will continue to stumble.

What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. But it also makes you tired.

I often tell myself that life isn't worth the negative energy that drags us down. I often tell myself to "keep on swimming" and to just "go with the flow." But sometimes I get tired. Yesterday, I was tired. Today, I am tired.

I am tired of all the bullshit. I am tired of all the greed. I am tired of selfish assholes who don't give a damn about anything or anyone but themselves. I am tired of being tired.

So I take hot showers. I take naps. I read books. I avoid twitter, and the news. I avoid my phone. I avoid people. I turn off the world. I breathe in. And I breathe out. That's all I can do.

And that's okay. Because even though I can make amazing arguments on why it's important to keep moving forward at all times, I also know that for my sanity, it's okay to stop for a bit and just cry.

Every day is different. Tomorrow won't be today, and yesterday is already done. I don't have to do it again. So I guess I am still pushing forward, even if it feels like I'm not. I'm still breathing. I'm still here. That means something.

Back in the states

We had the absolute best time in Mont Tremblant, Quebec last week. It has always been my favorite vacation spot, so I was thrilled to be returning after seven years.

The kids had the best time. They kayaked, paddle boarded, swam in a freshwater lake, and tried a variety of new foods. It was awesome.

With my son's life threatening allergies (peanuts, tree nuts, sesame, legumes), and my daughter's dairy restrictions (and allergy to bananas, pineapple and latex) it's always a bit stressful when we go someplace new. But with a supportive family, it can be done.

My husband's uncle, is an incredible cook. Everything he creates tastes like a bit of heaven. I will forever be grateful and thankful for him in our lives, not only for his sincere kindness, humor and genuine, welcoming behavior, but also for making an effort to make sure my children felt included when it came time to meals. Not many people have the patience and skill to plan a dinner for a family with food restrictions and allergies, but he took on the challenge and won. I highly recommend checking out his page, as it has quite a few recipes and talks about his love of cooking and life. Trailside Larder Honestly, he inspires me to continue trying new recipes.

Aftercare

I swear by Pureology products. They are the absolute best in keeping my hair soft and healthy. Given how much I've dyed my hair in the past two years, I can attest that Pureology works. At least for me, their products work.

A secret to maintaining my hair's softness and health, along with using Pureology products (including their conditioner), is the occasional pre-shower hair routine I do as part of my "first time washing my hair after dying my hair."

It's super easy, cheap, and easy to find. What is it? Extra Virgin Coconut Oil. No joke, it's the best. I also use this stuff in my homemade night cream. But right now we are talking about hair care.

Now I know what most of you are thinking. It hasn't even been a week, and I'm already washing my hair after a dye and bleach treatment? Crazy! Well, here's the thing: I've been working out six days a week, so trust me, my hair needs to be washed.

As Vida Boheme from 'To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything' once said, "I want you to believe in yourself, imagine good things and moisturize, I cannot stress this enough." Wiser words have never been spoken.

The first step to moisturizing your dry hair using coconut oil (Extra virgin. Don't go cheap and buy something else!) is to take a handful of it and comb it through your hair using your fingers. Since the bleach didn't touch the top of my head, I only put the coconut oil from ear-level and down to the ends of my hair.

Now wait about 10 minutes before hopping into the shower. Things to do in ten minutes? Call your representative about the state of the US and demand a change. Find your representative Trump is destroying this country one piece at a time. It can be overwhelming to watch the news, but trust me, sitting down and doing nothing is NOT the right thing to do. If you don't want to speak to a human, then send out an email to them, or a tweet. Honestly, this day and age there are countless ways to be active. If you aren't outraged, you aren't paying attention. And if you are choosing not to pay attention, wake the fuck up.

10 minutes passed? Yay. Now hop in the shower, grab your favorite sulfate-free shampoo (I've already mentioned my fave: Pureology) and wash the coconut oil out. There is no need to add conditioner at this point as that'll be overkill.

Once it's all washed out, finish your shower, dry your hair (towel, hair dryer, etc. whatever you usually use) and Voila! You're all set with soft, healthy hair :)

You're welcome.

Blue out

Day 1 can be found here: Day 1 http://julieta-blog.blogspot.com/2018/07/changing-colors-ie-memoir-of-removing.html

The saga continues.

Day 2:

After Color Oops transitioned my hair from blue to green, I decided to try eliminating the green through the magic of Dawn Dish Soap & Baking Soda.

The mixture consisted of Dawn, baking soda, regular shampoo and a few drops of tea tree oil. Once I covered my green hair with it, I covered it in plastic and waited 20 minutes.

The results? Absolutely nothing. It was a complete waste of time.

So after that, I decided to pick up some bleach. I mean, at this point, why the hell not? It's already green. So I used a paintbrush and painted my green strands with the bleach. After twenty minutes, I took a shower, washed the bleach out with regular shampoo and conditioner, and then checked out the results:

Boom. Much better. There were still some light green strands, but the majority was a light brown or blonde. So now it was time to do something with the top of my hair. My roots were pathetic.

Using Feria's hi-lift blonde, I coated the top of my head first and, after ten minutes, added the dye to the rest of my hair. Twenty more minutes later, it was time to wash it all out and check out the results:

It's getting there. My final step was using the left over bleach powder I had. I ran my fingers through my hair from my roots downward with the bleach in hopes of lightning it up a bit more. 10 minutes later, I washed it out, conditioned the hell out of it, blow dried it, and checked out the results.

Honestly, I think this is as blonde as it is going to yet without going to a professional. But I like it! It isn't my original plan of being a platinum blonde, but it's a fun summer 'do and that's really what it's all about :)

changing colors (i.e. Memoir of Removing the Blue from my Hair)

This weekend we are driving up north to Canada. I can't wait. I haven't been back there in the past seven years, can you believe it? I'm really looking forward to it.

One thing I really want to do before arriving in Quebec is to re-color my hair. The color I want? Platinum Blonde. Also known as "ice blonde." But I did the research...blue is a bitch a remove from your hair. Who knew? I certainly didn't.

I spoke to three different stylists and they all told me that the process would take between 4-6 hours, that I might need to have two sessions, and that it would be at least $300.

Given that I am not a Kardashian, Jenner, or Paris Hilton, I sat there defeated.

I decided I would go back to my red-purple combo. That would be okay, right? SIGH :(

When I told a co-worker my new plan, she gave me the pep talk I needed to just try taking the blue out myself. And really, why not? I have enough coconut oil to heal my hair if the color removal starts any damage...

Part 1: Color Oops.

As you can see, this product is meant to remove hair dye. Now I was specifically looking for "Splat Color Hair Remover" because I have been using Color Splat to color my hair. But guess what? All the places in my area that sell Color Splat, do NOT sell the Splat Color Hair Remover product. Go figure.

So I tried Color Oops. FYI, it smells like Nair. If you like that stuff, you'll love this. If you gag over the smell of Nair, well, heads up. Another FYI: the bottle squirts insanely easy once you cut it. OMG, the liquid shot out like a bullet train once the scissors finished cutting the tip of the applicator. It hit my bathroom wall and ricocheted straight to me! Luckily, I have pretty quick blinking skills and saved my eye from pain and potential blindness. Go me! So, yeah, heed the warning.

After keeping it in my hair for the designated time, and then rinsing it for 20 minutes and repeating the steps again and again, I finally added some conditioner, washed and dried my hair and...:

Definite progress.

I'm going to let my hair rest for a bit, and then tomorrow morning I am going to try the "Dawn Dish Soap + Baking Soda" mix. Wish me luck!

moving forward when you feel yourself going backwards

With highs, there are lows. It's important to push through when the lows hit. It isn't losing: it's a slower battle, that's all.

And sometimes, it's okay to take a break for a moment, or two. Just get back up and keep going when you are ready. The world needs heroes, and we come in all shapes and sizes.

Your fight may be small. Your fight may be big. The important thing, is that as long as you keep going, and as long as you are STILL HERE, then you are surviving, and that's winning.

The news has been brutal. Separating families, the SCOTUS 4-5 decision to allow crisis pregnancy centers to lie to patients, the insane Muslim Ban...the list goes on and on..and now one of the Supreme Court judges decides to announce his retirement? What is this fuckery? And McConnell sees no issue to have that idiot Trump decide on a replacement when he refused to allow Obama to do so when Scalia died?

Utter nonsense. Fuck civility. Civility got us in this mess. Civility will not get us out of this mess.

The majority did not vote for this psycho. In the past 17-months he has destroyed so much. Civil rights, science, education, the environment, and quite simply our reputation. Government officials have their pockets lined with blood money as they further the divide in this country.

Fuck being civil.

#notanad

The other day someone asked me what do I use on my hair to keep it so healthy. If you know me, you'd understand the question: I change the color of my hair multiple times a year. It's been brown, red, blue, purple, green, ombre of bright colors or dark colors...I like the variety.

So what do I use?

Pureology. You can go to their website to learn more about their sulfate-free products. I use their hydrating shampoo and their Color Fanatic leave-in spray. https://www.pureology.com/haircare/

I have not tried their dry shampoo. In fact, I haven't tried any dry shampoo. I might be in the minority here, I know. I'd love to hear what others try.

Top to bottom, my favorite body wash is without a doubt: Elemis Sharp Shower Body Wash. https://www.elemis.com/us/sharp-shower-body-wash.html

Other things I swear by? Andalou Naturals 1000 Roses Daily Shade lotion visage Facial Lotion SPF 18. https://andalou.com/products/1000-roses-daily-shade-facial-lotion-spf-18 It's light, makes my face feel hydrated without the heavy stickiness of other lotions, and it has an SPF which makes it a super win.

I don't have an eye cream that I absolutely adore. At night I just use coconut oil, which does the job. But I want a morning eye cream that will help me not look like I'm suffering from a hangover when I wake up in the morning. I'm currently using Lancôme, which is nice, but I've always used other brands and I haven't found one that I liked more than another. If anyone wants to share their favorite with me, I'd love to hear it.

so...eye creams and dry shampoo brands: go!

Excuse me while I kiss the sky

I've been working out with an app called Lumowell. They have videos on YouTube that are updated frequently. I absolutely love it. In fact, it hasn't even been a full week and I'm already feeling the results.

My energy has improved and I definitely feel leaner and stronger. The only downside is that today my body protested (I've been doing 25-45 minutes every day) and I had to take a "rest day." So I took the kids to an alpaca farm!

Alpacas are absolutely beautiful. They have the kindest eyes and are just so sweet and incredibly soft.

We also hung out with sheep, a donkey, some peacocks, chickens, a turkey, ducks and goats! It was such a fun day!

Letting Go

There are too many people in our lives that harm instead of help. It's important to not only focus on your physical health, but your mental health at well. Toxic people do more harm than good. Stop making excuses for those that hurt you and move on.

Sometimes it's easier said than done, but with age there is wisdom.

So goodbye to the crap that you allowed yourself to endure for too long. You are worth more than that.

I am grateful for my husband and my children. I am grateful for my silly and affectionate dog as well. And I am grateful that I have enough mind to use my words and tell someone goodbye, knowing that the people I love at home will always be there to be support me.

Sometimes I get sad, and tonight I'm feeling the clouds of doubt circling behind me. But it's because I'm vulnerable. There is nothing wrong with being vulnerable, especially after moments of defending yourself and letting go of the negativity.

Tonight the questions start to plague me that have nothing to do with what transpired today, but just my own insecurities peaking out. I start to doubt the sincerity of friendships when I haven't received any "hey, what's up?" texts from anyone since our work vacation has started. I start to doubt myself, and wonder if I put myself out there too much. It's a hard line to figure out sometimes, and it's harder when you aren't sure if people feel the same about you as you feel about them. When did I get like this?

There is enough hate in this world already. Sometimes we just need to let go, and breathe.

getting back in shape

Wow, I am in terrible shape LOL I just did an online cardio dance set for 15 minutes and I am exhausted. Wow.

Well that's certainly a wake up call! It's time to work out...bikini time is just around the corner!

Anyone know of any great online exercise programs that they love?

Mama Bear restrained

I remember how hard it was to find someone to watch Isabella when she was little. Initially I was hoping Julius' former sitter was able to watch her, but she had just had a baby herself and though she tried, it was too hard with a newborn. My next attempt was a neighbor who watched her for a semester when she was taking only evening classes. After that, my other neighbor was able to watch her for several months until she got a full time job as a kindergarten teacher. It was at that point, that one of my son's friend's mom suggested her nanny's friend, Emely.
It was a mistake. So many red flags, but I was desperate. I couldn't quit my job. I couldn't take more leave. She had a son who was the same age of Isabella. One would think this would be a good thing. It wasn't. Emely obviously didn't pay any attention to the two toddlers. Items would be broken when I returned home. My favorite vase from our wedding, Isabella's toddler drum set, and then one day I came home to discover that her son bit my daughter.
I should have fired her. I should have told her that that was the final straw and to not come back. But I was desperate, and she knew it. She didn't charge much, and money was tight. It was a horrible situation and I felt so helpless. I wanted only the best for my daughter and I couldn't give it to her.
That fall, Emely moved to Florida and I was grateful because in the fall Isabella would be able to attend nursery school, and there was a childcare provider who lived across the street from the preschool who could pick her up from the nursery school and give her lunch and let her play for a bit with the other children until I was able to pick her up. It all worked out. Finally.

Isabella is 9-years old now. Why am I bringing this up now? So many years later? Because today we were sitting by the hotel pool (hockey tournament) and I was watching Isabella in the corner of my eye while talking to another parent. She was playing a ball game with four older children. Every time I looked, she did not have the ball, but she was trying to get it. She didn't look upset, so I let it got and kept talking. Once that parent left, I looked over and she still didn't have the ball. The older kids kept throwing it over her head. I was getting annoyed, but I didn't see Isabella giving me any cues that she was getting upset. I asked Josh what he thought. He felt it was fine. She wasn't crying, she wasn't asking for help, and she was smiling. But I had a bad feeling in my gut.
I told Isabella we were leaving in five minutes. She looked at me, asked for six minutes instead. I said okay, and let it go. Obviously that meant she was having fun, right?
They kept throwing that fuckin' ball over her head. I was getting frustrated. But Isabella didn't look at me for help. I let it go.
When the six minutes were over, I told her it was time to go and walked over with a towel. Isabella walked out of the pool and wouldn't look at me. I asked her if everything was okay. She said yes. I asked her if the kids were being mean to her. She shrugged. I wanted to set fire to the world.
Instead, I took a deep breath and asked her if she wanted to me to talk to them. She said 'no,' that it would embarrass her. We walked past the kids at the pool and I told her that some kids can be real jerks.
I wanted to confront those assholes. I wanted to grab that ball and throw it over the fence. But I restrained myself. And it reminded me of when Isabella was two-years old and was bitten in the face from a neglected toddler because his mother spent her days watching novelas on my television screen and taking naps.
But this time it wasn't financial hardships that stopped me from being a Mama Bear, but my own daughter. Why didn't she seek me out? I immediately wondered if it was because she felt I wouldn't help her...again I was trapped in the past with Emely and her cannibal child.

She later told me that she almost caught the ball once and one of the girls swatted her hand away. I immediately wished that that brat would be bitten by a dog. I accidentally said it out loud, and Isabella smiled. At least I got a smile out of her.

I should have listened to my instincts. I know Isabella is fine. I know that. But I am pissed off at myself for not saving her...again.

expectations

Today I had a wonderful talk with a good friend of mine about the woes of expectations.
Sometimes, when people offer to do things for you, they aren't always doing it to be nice. Often they want something in return, regardless of what they say otherwise. It may take weeks, months, or even a year. But suddenly, the person will bring it up and you don't know how to react.

And then, when they offer to "help" or dangle something wonderful in front of you, you might want to take it. You definitely need the help, or want the wonderful item. But at what will the price be when it comes back to bite you in the ass?

So you become heavy with resentment.

What should you do?

Let go of the expectations. The person offering you something is more than likely not sincere. Not everyone is a compassionate human being. Say "no thanks, I got this," even if you don't. Then the expectations vanish and you are in control once again.

It's a strange conundrum, but makes so much sense.

I often find my feelings being hurt when I trust someone who then figuratively stabs me in the back. And I forgive too easily.
I guess I need a stronger back bone.
And more independence. It's okay to say "no," when someone offers to "help" because regardless of how helpful this help may be, it can come with a price that hurts more than it's worth.
And with that tidbit of information, I will say adieu and enjoy a mango smoothie.