TEAM ATOMS (MYHA 2009-2010).mpg

Julius is #72.

We're going to Toronto this summer. I am so excited! I've never been to Toronto. The only places in Canada I've been to are Montreal and Mont Tremblant. I love both, so I am incredibly excited to visit a new place!

Of course, we are going to visit the Hockey Hall of Fame. And I want to visit the Toronto Zoo... and at least a few of the many art galleries there. I AM SO PSYCHED!!

Oh, and I booked Julius' party at Bounce U . Thankfully I haven't bought the theme-related plates, cups, decor yet because as of today Julius has decided that instead of Indiana Jones, he'd like an Iron Man theme.

I'm going to wait a few more weeks before buying anything: just in case he changes his mind, again.

what came first...

I wish I had one of those long, Victorian-type sofas... I can just imagine myself lying across one right now. One arm draped over my eyes, the other grazing lazily near the floor... if I smoked, my fingers would be curled around a cigarette. But I don't smoke, so maybe my hand is empty, but my fingers are still slightly curled inward against my palm.

Why? You ask.

Because I'm being pensive: pondering passing thoughts....

I'm getting a bit tired answering the same question hour upon hour by meaningful loved ones, including, "How are you feeling?"

It's a bit of a pain in the ass.

And I don't want to sound ungrateful, because really I'm not... but it gets old pretty fast. LOL Perhaps I should just wear a T-shirt that states "Please refer all questions to my blog."

After the angiogram, my cardiologist stated that maybe the cardiomyopathy was a condition from my hypothyroidism. Originally he had thought that perhaps it was postpartum, but maybe it was related to my thyroid. But who knew what came first, and what started what... it was all a mystery.

So today I called my cardiologist and posed a question to him.

I asked him, "What if I never had hypothyroidism? What if I really had cardiomyopathy and was misdiagnosed with a thyroid problem? Then what?"

Well.

Taking a thyroid medication when it is not needed can cause cardiac arrhythmia.

Really..? Well, I have cardiac arrythmia.

And taking too much thyroid medication, when you only need a smaller dosage can also cause cardiac arrythmia.

Curiouser and curiouser

So I inform him that, three years ago, when I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism, the thyroid level was actually right on the border. But the doctor felt that some people were more sensitive than others, and therefore, since I showed all the symptoms (extreme fatigue, always cold, etc.) that I was one of those sensitive people.

So I was put on Synthroid.

Three years later, I have cardiac arrythmia. Two weeks after that diagnosis, I'm told I have cardiomyopathy. What came first?

Now do you see my visual of the Victorian-style sofa?

So what was it? What happened?

Was it thyroid? Or did I have postpartum cardiomyopathy those 3 years ago and instead of treating it, was given Synthroid which masked my symptoms, but then made them worse.

Or did I have hypothyroidism, but was given a too high dose?

Or did I have hypothyroidism, and the thyroid medication (Synthroid) is at a perfect dose and this cardiomyopathy occurred from something else. Perhaps postpartum from my last pregnancy?

What came first? Thyroid? Arrhythmia? Cardiomyopathy?

It's all a mystery (cue 'music' now) *smirk*

Good news!

Not only is the scar from the angiogram so tiny that I will still be able to wear a bikini this summer, but the doctor did not find any permanent damage to my heart. Everything looked great ("pristine," actually).

So now he is thinking that the arrhythmia caused the cardiomyopathy, and not the other way around: which is terrific news.

He's increased my dosage of beta-blockers and we'll see if that will decrease my arrhythmia enough to increase my heart function. The prognosis looks good *smile*

Manana

The job fair was FABULOUS. I think I was pretty awesome. *snicker* Hope the coordinators felt the same. I still need to interview for two other sites. If I am able to transfer, that would be GREAT... but if not, well that's okay to. I mean, I can not stand my boss, but there are worse things in life... such as not having a job and having to pay a mortgage and raise two kids.
So whatever happens, happens.

Tomorrow is the "big day." Poor Josh is beside himself. We went shopping today because we desperately needed a new vacuum. You have no idea how much better I felt after purchasing that little Dirt Devil LOL

The kids fell asleep on the drive home, so I'm not sure WHEN we will actually be able to vacuum the carpets (my children are light sleepers, like their mother).

Prior to shopping however, Josh surprised me by taking us out to the Cheesecake Factory. I ate so much!! We didn't even have room for dessert, which is a shame... they have such delicious cakes. My favorite used to be Dulce de Leche. But now I find it much too sweet. I think I prefer something with a white chocolate base... maybe white chocolate with raspberries... YUM.

Did you know that the average raspberry weighs about 4 grams? That's the same a teaspoon of sugar, but much healthier. How do I know this? Because I am full of useless facts.

I'll write more later!

C'est la vie

The week of... of what? It's certainly a short week since I'll be going in for my angiogram on Wednesday. Still not nervous or anxious about it. For some reason though, there are a lot of people who are concerned... which slightly irritates me. Yes, I know, I'm loved, blah blah blah... it still bothers me. I like attention, but not this kind of attention.

I've always been a "go with the flow" type of person, and this doesn't change anything. I am still me.

I mean, hell, I think I went through worse having to:
walk around and raise an active preschooler and work full time with a PICC line attached to my arm and nonstop vomiting for the first six month of pregnancy with Isabella.
If I can survive Hyperemesis gravidarum through TWO pregnancies, I think I can deal with a heart condition, thank you very much.

So I'm going to a job fair tomorrow! Very exciting. It would be wonderful to transfer to a site closer to home. The 50 minute commute is quite a pain in the ass.

And I've decided I'm going to make sure I have a lot more fun in life. Josh is simply too stressed. This summer, I am taking that man clubbing... and I plan on getting him extremely drunk and goofy. True, he isn't the world's best dancer in a club scene, but I think given the right amount of alcohol he'll be just fine :)

Also, I'm going to go back to modeling. I've always had fun with that and just stopped once I had kids. What was up with that? I'm so happy to have reconnected with an amazing photographer and good friend, KMann

The photo above is by him, as well as the small cropped picture from my previous post. Hope to have some more fun this summer with his creativity.

Speaking of summer... what to do! where to go! The beach? Canada? Maybe back to Walt Disney World? Decisions, decisions....

Hmmm, but first things first: what to wear for tomorrow's job fair!

Ready to enjoy the weekend

Wish I had a working camera... had a great Friday evening with my in-laws (Mother-in-law, father-in-law, sister-in-law and her adorable little boy!!), husband and my two darling lovebugs... and now I am ready for the weekend.

The beta blockers haven't made me sick, which is a reason in itself to celebrate. I'm going for my Angiogram next week. Not too worried about it. All I'm concerned with is how they are going to stick that IV in me (it's so hard to find my veins... I always end up so bruised: ouch) and how sore will I be afterwards... and nursing Bells. That's in my mind too. I need to pump enough milk to last 24-48 hours. I'm going to feel like a cow on a dairy farm. LOL

Work is going well. I think that the rumor mill finally hit my boss (that I want to transfer out) and suddenly she's actually treating me like a human being. Not sure what that means exactly, but I certainly don't trust her or her crocodile smile!

..........

Thinking about the summer. Maybe getting a new style for the season... hair cut, new color... hmmm... I definitely want to try a more carefree look. Not sure how/what... but I'm waiting to be inspired.

And I want a camera. That is on my LIST OF THINGS I NEED. I have two lists: a short list of things I need/want this year, such as a new camera. And my bucket list of 30 things I plan to do in my life. That list isn't completed yet. My friend Ian convinced me to write it about a year ago. He wrote his Top 40 when he turned forty. So since I was thirty, I made mine "30." Funny how I feel so satisfied already, but there are about 10 things on my bucket list so far. I figure I have time to add to it.

And I still need a THEME for this blog. I attempted making a new blog on wordpress with an alias and all that... I named it Virtues. But I wasn't happy with it. So I'm back to the starting line.

One day it'll hit me. Again, I just have to sit back and wait to be inspired!

Risky Beads

Risky Beads is having a "spring pendant giveway"!

For those interested, click here Risky Beads

Awesome jewelry, check it out :)

misc pictures of my kids

It's been a weird 2 weeks.
Okay, "weird" may not be the right word... but I'm using it anyways.

I had thought that I was becoming asthmatic. I was constantly becoming short of breath and I had these chest pains that would come and go... and these "jolts," which I thought were stress-induced because of work.

Well instead, I was told I had an arrhythmia. So I thought, "okay, no problem, let's check it out," and I went to the cardiologist a week later who confirmed that I had premature atrial contractions (PAC). Neither one of us seemed that concerned. He had me wear a 24-hr holter, had some bloodwork done, and then scheduled me for an echocardiogram.

5 days later, bloodwork came back normal. 24-holter showed significant arrhythmias. The echocardiogram however... well, that showed a reduction of function.

Turns out that my Ejection Fraction (ejection fraction [Ef] is the fraction of blood pumped out of ventricles with each heart beat) is functioning at 35%

Yeah, weird, right?

So along with PAC, I'm now being told I have cardiomyopathy.

Fun times, isn't it?

But I'm not upset, depressed, scared or anything like that. Maybe it's because I'm a mom? I just don't have the time or patience to deal with those feelings.

I've always been a do-er, and I've always been one that 'goes with the flow,' so I'm not going to change my way of thinking because of a label.

So... all I can really say is that the last couple of weeks have been weird. It's been a very weird spring break.

On a more chipper note, the kids are doing great! They had a great Passover and a great Easter.

Feb 2010

I can't believe it's been so many months since I last posted anything on this blog. It's so strange because I love to write, so one would think this blog would have something on it daily.

Happy belated new years, Everyone.



We've had a lot of snow, but I'm not going to go into a rant about how annoying it is to try to get your car into and out of snowy/icy parking spaces.

I've read some books. I actually read Jenny McCarthy's book about autism and her son. It was a surprisingly good read. I was very hesitate since I heard she raves about "curing" autism. But the rumors are false. She never says that all. It was an honest book about her feelings and her experiences. I enjoyed it, plus it was a fast read which every Mommy wants when picking up a book.

Work is the same, however things are starting to look up slightly, which makes me paranoid. Does that make sense? Who knows who reads this, so I know I'm being cryptic.

The reason I'm posting is because
1. My last post was in November OF LAST YEAR.
2. I stumbled upon several wonderful and inspiring posts that made me want to roll up my sleeves and actually DO SOMETHING with mine.

But what? I like themes. Perhaps I should focus on a theme and go from there. If I ask Josh for a suggestion, I'm sure he'll say "Montreal Canadiens!!!" Um, no.

why not?

Bleh

Usually I love the fall. I love watching the leaves change color. I love going on nature walks. I love the crisp air and the smell of autumn...

But instead of being excited, I've been feeling pretty bleh. Work has been difficult. I'm just not happy with the administration and all the micromanagement. And unfortunately, the stress has seeped into my home life. My weekends are spent dreading the following workweek. My evenings are spent dreading the next work day.

It's frustrating because I have always loved my job, but now with all the changes that have occurred in it has turned the enjoyment into an ugly horrible feeling that won't go away. I sometimes feel physically sick just thinking about it. I need a change.

I just need to get out of this Bleh.

Welcome to Fall

I can't believe I haven't posted since June.
I am a terrible blogger. I am, however, an obsessed Facebook junkie.
Perhaps Facebook has made me too lazy to actually write my thoughts down: thoughts that are more than just a "status update."



Things have been well. My children are growing. I'm growing too. I think I've grown a lot since summer. We've had a lot of ups and downs, and I think when things like that happen, you tend to grow. You're always learning, you're always becoming wiser and more experienced... and sometimes you need to learn these things on your own.



So, yes, we've all grown. And summer is officially over. Welcome to a new season: one that is hopefully filled with a lot of Ups.

Mr. Five Year Old

My little boy is now a big five year old!!



Can you believe it?!?

Carrots

I turned my back for a second and....








She was pretty darn proud of herself :)

May

Is it May? Really?!
Time has really flown by. It's amazing how the days seem to lag and then suddenly it's a whole other month and you realize that what you thought was lagging was just a blur of exhaustion, and now you're starting to wake up and see the sun.



This picture was taken at my favorite museum, The Hirshhorn Museum and sculpture garden. http://hirshhorn.si.edu/

Julius says that the picture behind us reminded him of when light hits a diamond. Aren't kids amazing?

Isabella is already six months old...


and Julius will b graduating from preK on Wednesday!



It's already May... the middle of May.. closer to the end and the start of June, when Julius turns five.

Am I really thirty? Am I really a mother of two wonderful children?
Oh my God, I am a grown-up. When did this happen?

Jan. 2009

I finally uploaded photos for the month of January. It's been a whirlwind of a month... the stress of going back to work, getting used to being a mom for two instead of one child, and a multitude of family illnesses, including Julius being hospitalized for a possible appendicitis (thankfully though, it was just a really bad stomach virus).

I'll be returning to work on Tuesday. I have mixed feelings about it. I think it'll be nice to be out of the house and with my peers doing something I love... but then I remember deadlines and stupid office politics and the annoying gossip....and I look at my two great kids and my heart hurts because I'm going to have to split my time even more.... and little Isabella has no idea what's about to happen. And that breaks my heart even more.



And then I get angry. Angry at the stupid system we live in. If I was in Canada, I'd have the option of taking an entire year off (instead of just 12 weeks: 6 weeks of it unpaid). The United States is supposed to be one of the greatest countries in the world... it boasts being the best, so you would think it would treat its residents with some dignity... but no, instead our maternity leave is similar to third world countries.
From Mom's Rising (http://www.momsrising.org/maternity)

* Having a baby is a leading cause of "poverty spells" in the U.S. -- when income dips below what's needed for basic living expenses.
* In the U.S., 49% of mothers cobble together paid leave following childbirth by using sick days, vacation days, disability leave, and maternity leave.
* 51% of new mothers lack any paid leave -- so some take unpaid leave, some quit, some even lose their jobs.
* The U.S is one of only 4 countries that doesn't offer paid leave to new mothers -- the others are Papua New Guinea, Swaziland, and Lesotho.
* Paid family leave has been shown to reduce infant mortality by as much as 20% (and the U.S. ranks a low 37th of all countries in infant mortality).


It disgusts me. Hopefully Obama's changes will include fixing maternity/paternity leave.

reactions

I had told myself that this time it would be different. I wasn't a first-time mom anymore. I had experience, I would be calm. I wouldn't feel helpless and rely on others for advice...

Even when I was diagnosed with hyperemesis, I refused to let it get to me. Even when I was put on an IV for five months, I refused to be brought down. I was calm, I did my best to smile and always look on the bright side... when I went into labor, I was calm and filled with humor.

And when Isabella was born, everything was great. She was always happy. I can easily read her cues... everything was great.

And then yesterday I felt like a first time mom again.

Yesterday she had her first vaccinations. DTap, Hib, PCV, IPV and the Rotavirus vaccine.

It seemed like a lot. I knew the Rotavirus one was new. Julius never had that one.
I knew he had the others, but did he have all of them at 2 months?

She was going to have two shots and the oral vaccination (Rotavirus). I researched it, everything seemed fine. I was going in as an educated second-time parent. No worries.

First Isabella was given the oral vaccination. She made a face (it obviously tasted gross), started coughing, but kept it down. She seemed fine.

Then she had the shots. Again, her response was minimal. She cried out for a second and then stopped. When I picked her up, she smiled. Everything was fine. I was happy, she seemed happy...and I knew the Tylenol was kicking in so I put her in her carseat and drove home. She went right to sleep on the ride home.

When we got home, I put her in her crib and began to do some chores. I was so proud of how I handled the morning (when Julius had his first set of shots, I was a crying mess and kept vigil by his side for probably the entire day and the next).

Then at noon she woke up. She woke up crying. Isabella never wakes up crying.

I thought she was just really hungry, so I picked her up and attempted to nurse her.

She arched her back, she screamed louder. Her little face was bright red. I kept my cool. I tried again. It was as if she didn't know I was holding her. She kept crying and screaming, her whole body stiff. I tried burping her, rocking her, nursing her on the other side...she stopped briefly to latch on, and within seconds started wailing the most painful cry I had ever heard from her.

I was beginning to get that feeling. That sinking, helpless feeling where the room was feeling hot and I remembered once when I was walking at the Rio Center and there was a woman holding a newborn and she was near tears because this was her first time venturing out with her son and he was fussing and she had this look... this deer in the headlights look... this look of fearful unknown, of "is this okay? is this normal? what am I doing wrong???"

And that was me at that moment. Was this okay? Was this normal? What was I doing wrong?

I rocked her, I walked with her, I sang to her, I changed her, I tried nursing her, I put her down, I held her, I put her on her vibrating chair... nothing was working.

Suddenly it was two o'clock and it was time for her Tylenol. I gave it to her and called the doctor. They told me to wait for the Tylenol to take effect and to take her temp.

No temp. Still screaming.

They suggested a bath.

The bath helped for about 4 minutes. Four beautiful minutes. And then she began crying again.

I walked her, I tried nursing (still not nursing at this point), I rocked her, I changed her, I sang to her, I danced with her...

3:30 I call the doctor again and he's in with a patient, so I put her in the car (it's raining now) and we drive to his office.

They call 5 minutes later. Try Motrin and gas drops. So I drive back home and give her Motrin and gas drops as she screams and screams...

At 4:30, she falls asleep.

I'm a shaking mess.

She sleeps for an hour and then wakes up with this lost look in her eyes. She isn't crying, but she isn't my little Isabella. She's like a zombie. I feel like crying.

She's listless and fussy and finally nurses around six. And then she makes eye contact. FINALLY she makes eye contact and I know she's going to be okay.

That night is rough. Her stomach is bothering her and she ends up lying all night in our bed as I rub circles on her stomach.

She wakes her several times that night (she usually only wakes up 2-3x) crying. Crying. My little girl doesn't wake up crying. It was a rough night.

At 7:30 am, she's awake, but not smiling. She's fussy.

She smiles at 8:30 and I feel like flying.

She's still fussy and cries on/off, but it's not that ear-piercing shriek that she was making for over 4 hours yesterday.

I called the nurse. We're going to eliminate some of her vaccinations and space out the others.

Exactly 24 hours after the ordeal first began, Isabella finally looked at me, smiled and made a couple of cooing noises. She's finally back.

hello again

It's been awhile. I've been having such a great time being at home without the stress of work. Of course I'm still checking my work email, getting updates from co-workers, etc., etc... but no deadlines, no rush hour traffic... it's great!

And I'm bonding with Isabella. She looks at me with this, "Hey, I know you!" look and smiles so big... it just lights me up.



Julius adores her. He's so happy to have a sister. He gives her hugs, and when he's sad he'll actually talk to her and it helps him so much: he smiles as he looks at her, and when he's done, he pulls her into a hug and and starts to laugh. It's just so beautiful to watch.

I feel so complete in my life. Just the four of us. It fits.